Jokes...

[Amethrayne]

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."

The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

[~Ranathir~]

Oh you are sooo in trouble now, I have so mabny awful jokes .... and they are all long long long Here we go!

A lovley little snail goes into a car shop and says to the sales guy "I want the most expensive car you have"

Of course, the sales guy is quite excited and replies - Certainly! This one here is the top of the range"

The snail looks it over, and finally decideds it is just what he wants.

"Ill take it" he says ...... "but I need a few changes made"

(good grief i am starting to think this one needs to be said out loud but i am laughing at the end already and I know whats comming so maybe all good :D )

Sure says the salesguy - we can do anythign you want!

Well (says the snail) I just want a 'S' painted here on this side, and another one on the other side, and maybe - no definately one on the roof

Sales guy looks a little concerned at this, and tells the snail - " But why! It'll totally ruin the paintowork on the car!!"

Well, (says the snail) I want it so when I drive down the street everyone will stare and say WOW look at that S car go!!!

[Calego]

If you're a blonde I'm sorry, but it just isn't the same without the Blonde-ness

A Blonde gets tired of all the stereotypes and decides to dye her hair black. She goes out driving in the countryside one day with her newly black hair and comes upon a flock of sheep. She gets out of her car and walks up to the shepherd in the middle of the sheep and says, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I have one?"

"Sure," he replies, "How many?"

She looks around and after a bit says, "253."

"Wow, that's amazing! You're right. Now which one do you want?"

"How bout that lively one over there. The one jumping around."

"Ah," the shepherd says, "If I can guess the true color of your hair, can I have my sheepdog back?"

------

A Japanese man, a British man, and an American are rowing up a river in an unexplored jungle when they are captured by savage, cannibalistic natives.

The natives inform the three that they will eat them and use their skin to make boats. But they grant each prisoner one final wish on how they wish to die.

The Japanese man asks for a sword and after saying, "Long live the Emperor!" stabs himself.

The British man asks for a pistol and after saying, "Long live the Queen!" shoots himself.

The American asks for a fork. "What? Why do you want a fork?" The natives inquire.

"Just give me a fork!" So they give him a fork and he starts stabbing himself all over his body.

"What are you doing?!" The natives cry out.

"I hope your boat sinks."

I'll spare you more for now... I like the cabby one!

[~Ranathir~]

S Car go .... get it? get it!?!?!?!

lololololol

:D

[Amethrayne]

winclefled wrote:

S Car go .... get it? get it!?!?!?! lololololol :D

Yes, yes, I got it right away... escargot. :D

And not to start a trend with the blonde jokes, but...

-----

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then..." He sighed...

"Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box..."

[Calego]

Amethrayne wrote:

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then..." He sighed... "Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box..."

Brilliant!

I'll change it around for this one:

Two brunettes were jumping up and down on a set of train tracks chanting, "46...46...46." A Hittite comes up and looks at them in confusion.

The Hittite sees that they seem to be having fun so she joins them jumping in beat and chanting the same thing.

Before long a train starts coming down the tracks. The two brunettes leap out of the way just in time after continuing to jump and chant until the last possible second. The Hittite gets confused at the last second and gets hit by the train.

Once the train is gone, the two brunettes get back on the tracks and start jumping up and down chanting, "47...47...47"

[Woosiekt]

The Frosted Flakes joke is a classic. Added to my inventory (bond to account)

[Amethrayne]

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"

"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques - visualization, association - it's made a big difference for me."

"That's great! What was the name of that clinic?" Fred went blank. He thought and thought but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"

"You mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. "Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"